Getting Away

I leave for vacation in three days. I am so excited to go.

This past while has not been easy for me, between my health and the other stuff going on. I haven't really had a chance to stop thinking about all the things that aren't going well. That's a good thing in a sense - it is vital to face things head on. However, it is also important to have a chance to stop the thought process once in a while, and get away, unwind and recover. That is what I am looking forward to.

Stephen is coming for the first week, which I am so happy about. We've never really been anywhere together more than a couple hours away, so this will be interesting. Not to mention how wonderful it will be to have him with me for almost a whole week. =]

I have a lot to do before I go; finishing up the course I am currently working on is the main priority. It will happen, it is just taking a lot of willpower.

I am glad I am getting away, and I really do hope I come back renewed and refreshed, and able to face things head on once more, but perhaps with a more willing and cheerful attitude than I have now.

Planning

Obviously I have failed my goal of writing three to four times a week.

Am I surprised? No, not in the least, and to be honest, it doesn't really bother me. I do like to follow through on whatever I start, but I am learning to let things slide by me. If it isn't momentous, I really don't need to spend the time stressing about it, like I normally do.

The past few weeks have been busy, and indescribable. Indescribable in that I am truly not allowed to say some of what's going on. That has been a huge problem for the last while, not just because of the implications on my life, but on the lives of many others. I am still having trouble with it, but I am quite sure that it won't go away and so I am accepting it.

My life right now is interesting. It's not at all what I thought it'd be like say, a year and a half ago before I got sick the first time. It's not at all what I thought it'd be like six months ago, not at all what I thought it'd be like three months ago, not at all what I thought it'd be like even three weeks ago. Even five days ago, in some cases.

I am not good with uncertain situations. The majority of the time, I don't let them stay in my life for too long. I am a planner, and I generally plan until I can plan no more - and then I usually plan a couple extra back - ups to go with the other back - up stuff I've already planned. Needless to say, I am not a spontaneous person. If you randomly ask me to do something, I will say yes, but in my head I will immediately be planning anything and everything. For example, if I'm with a friend, and they say, "Let's go on a walk!" I will immediately start thinking about every direction we could go, where each way would take us, what stops there would be, where we should stop to talk, how long it would take to go down this street and this street - no wait, down this street instead... You get the idea. And this is all before I've even put on my shoes and walked out the door. As the walk starts, I only think more and more about any and every possibility for well, absolutely anything.

The situation I am in right now is uncertain, and while I have done as much as I can to figure something out, there is nothing else I can do.

Now, in the past year and a half I have learned a lot about times when you are unable to change circumstances. This illness has completely rocked my world. It is as if a bullet-proof glass wall has been put up and there is no door, not even a window. I can see to the other side, I can plan for many situations, but none of them come true. I simply stay on the other side of the wall, confused and dejected. Even now, when I am beginning to see cracks in the wall, there is still the very real possibility that I will be behind the wall for much longer, perhaps even the rest of my life. It will be different, yes, I will have access to the other side, but there will still be many times when I back where I have been for the past while - separated and without a clue.

This illness has helped me to grow significantly as a person. It has taught me a lot about myself, and a lot about how much more control I need to hand over to God - for Him to have complete control of my life.
As you may guess from how detail - oriented I am, this is not an easy task for me, and many days it seems absolutely impossible. However, I am learning, and growing. And in light of the other situation of the past few months, I am even more thankful than I was before that I have had this opportunity to grow in such a way.

I am sure many of you have had situations that have gone on and on, completely out of your control. This is mine.

The majority of you may not know what it is like to become incredibly ill, have the VERY REAL possibility that all you've thought God has been leading you and working you towards in your life could be taken away from you in a single second all over a stupid operation you may need to save your life, and then have that haunt you over the next few months. The haunting causes you to take everything easy as you recover and you feel like you may have arrived. You're healthy, so you think. Suddenly, you're ill again. The doctors can't figure out what's wrong with you - they say you're all normal, but you are so sick that you can barely stand without falling over. You completely drop everything in your life and essentially become a vegetable on a couch (though thankfully, you still have minor control over your mind - though that is extremely weak and hazy also). Finally, you hear a diagnosis, but it's one of those invisible illnesses - meaning that to the rest of the world, you look perfectly fine. Many people, many doctors even, do not believe these types of illnesses even exist. They say you're simply lazy, nothing is wrong with you, even though you cannot concentrate on anything, can hardly walk and are in pain at all times. You go back to the doctor who diagnosed you, time and time again. You're put on medications and they help some, but you're still very, very weak. At this point it's been over ten months since your initial illness, five since the second problem, two and a half since the complete shutdown of your body. You keep lying on a couch, doing nothing all day - having not the strength to even watch television at some points, unable to sleep without medications and not sleeping nearly enough with them. You're accused of simply being depressed, not being sick at all. If anything, you're depressed BECAUSE you're sick. This is taken back, but not before the damage has been done. You continue to progress, you think, but you're not really sure because you were in such a bad state a few months back - both mentally and physically - that you don't really know. And overhead, there is still the ever looming word: chronic. This may never go away, this may always be here. At this point it's been 13 months since your initial illness. You know you're finally improving, but what are you coming back to? You've lost friends over this illness - friends who just couldn't seem to understand why you couldn't be involved, why you couldn't hang out, why you couldn't be you. You've lost a lot of who you were before - it's as if you've been replaced. You're still you, but you look at life so differently that it's hard for people to understand. You aren't the type to open up - you don't like to trouble people with yourself, never have, so you're leaning heavily on your family and your boyfriend because they're the only ones who know where you've been.

That was a lot longer than I meant it to be. I am now at almost seventeen months. I have improved, yes, but I still have further to go, and I am still very unsure as to whether I will ever be fully healed. The word chronic does seem to suggest that I won't, but I do know that God has the power to heal, if He so sees fit. Regardless of what happens, I have accepted what I have, and where I am in my life. My life the past year and a half has changed me, molded me and made me a better person. A very different person, yes, but I do believe the changes to be good ones, and they certainly seem to be helping in the newer situation I am currently in.

This was not what I had planned to write when I opened up the document tonight. Writing is a time when I love what comes without being planned. It's more honest and real that way, and I enjoy that, especially when so much that I say is carefully planned out as to ensure... well, I'm not really sure what the reason is. But I do love what flows from going without it.

I am learning not to plan.
My life has not turned out according to plan. It is not on the same map, it is not even on the same plane.
But I have learned, and am continuing to learn to be okay with that. To let God lead my life in His direction, not mine. I fail about a thousand times a day, but I am learning.

I have given it to God. And I will continue to do so, each and every day.

Day One - Turquoise Nail Polish

I have never been one to paint my nails. I paint my toenails once during the summer and then leave them, and hardly ever paint my fingernails, unless it is a special occasion. This is partially because it is time-consuming, partially because I have very shaky hands that make it difficult to paint without getting the polish all over, and partially because I always start chipping/peeling the polish off my nails the very next day.

This week however, I had a breakthrough! Not only did I paint my nails really well with no smudges, I have successfully managed to keep the polish on for a full week without pulling at it. This may not seem like a big accomplishment to you, and let's face it; it doesn't really mean much in the grand scheme of things. But it makes me happy to know that I've improved at something, even something so small.

[Almost] Every Day

It`s my goal to write something on this blog at least once a day. That seems like a ridiculous number to me considering how often I start and subsequently stop blogging, journaling or whatever it is that I am writing, but to make it a habit, I think it is important to write regularly. Maybe every day is a bit much however, perhaps 3-4 times a week would be a better number?

Another goal is to take a picture of something every day, something I see that inspires me, describes my day, or just makes me smile. Expect to see some of those photos on here, complete with descriptions.

I want to make thinking about the positive things in my day, as small as they may be, a habit so I can truly have something to look on when I don`t see anything positive around me.

Layout

Originally, I made the layout of this blog a nature scene with a dark and cloudy sky. How is this significant? It is significant because I did it to reflect how I was feeling about life at that point and how, as much as I was trying, I could find absolutely nothing to look to for hope.

I am not at a very different place - I am still struggling like you wouldn't believe. However, I have changed my decision on the blog background because regardless of what is going on, I need to have faith that there is a plan, that there is a way out, and that there is a reason for the pain being suffered, even if I have no idea what it is. I chose an open book this time because I think it represents what I have just said. To me, an open book signifies something yet to come, you just need to dive in. It also signifies being completely honest, and that probably what I need.

Perhaps you're confused as to how the background of my blog really makes a difference. I understand that, really and truly I do, but the way my brain works, running on overdrive every second of every day, it makes a big difference. It marks the difference of hope and despair, and even though it may be crazy to you, it's pretty darn important to me.