The chapter is just beginning...

Today sort of feels like the end of the chapter, and I guess Tuesday (not tomorrow, Monday) is the beginning of a new one. And to be honest, it is not one I am looking forward to - especially this fall.

On Tuesday I go to Tyndale to figure out the final bits before classes start on Monday. I am not looking forward to going at all. Not only am I terribly shy and thus, really bad at making new friends (which would be why I don't have tons of friends - I am probably still too shy to say much around you, even if I've known you for a couple years), but I am also worried about my health, how my health will affect my schoolwork considering I haven't been able to do it in a year, and not looking forward to the three hours round trip commute if everything on the road to Toronto is perfect (yes, I realize that just does not happen) for an hour of class. Oh, and there's the whole thing where I am too shy to even ask people if I am in the correct classroom. What a winning combination.

Yeah, I'm terrified. This is going to be a lonely, lonely fall filled with endless commutes, work that I am not used to and am afraid I am still not ready for (yay for illnesses that affect your ability to think clearly!), no one to talk to at school or at home, very shaky health and probably a lot of complete breakdowns. It's a very normal occurrence for me lately, between the health and the family life problems (I think you all know what I am talking about). At least I'm used to the loneliness, a year and a half does that to you, and it's probably made me a better person for it.

I think I am going to have to learn to rely on God more than ever before this year, which is definitely a good thing. I did not know I could need to rely on God more than I've needed to this past while, but I think I may. While I've been desperate for Him in what's happened, it's now reality because I am truly moving to a new point in my life, another chapter I didn't think would ever be written. I am certainly getting used to it, so why not bring on more. I do think it will help me to grow even more in my relationship with God, as well as with those with family and the few friends I hold so dear to me, because I've never been so good with opening up to people (especially friends) and I am really willing to do it now. I've also learned who my friends truly are, and I do enjoy that. It makes me love them all the more.

I am looking forward to January. By then, everything about school (that which terrifies me most of all) will no longer be new. I will finally be moving to a new city, and really be able to start out away from all of the things that have happened. I've grown from it, will continue to do so and will be able to move on (let's hope!). In a new city, with no family and hardly any friends (thank goodness for Stephen moving as well!) I will need to have grown even closer to God to be able to survive, and so I am ever so thankful for this time in all that it is doing for me in Christ.

It's a scary, unknown, new chapter but I am more than ready to forget the last one.

                                                 
...Except for the lessons I've learned, of course.

I'm not

You may have noticed that the majority of my posts deal with some sort of unhappiness in my life. I have no problem admitting that at all. What I would like you to note, lest you come away with the idea that I don't like my life and am unhappy all the time, is that I am actually quite content the majority of the time. The thing is, when I am happy, when things are going rather well, I do not have the urge to write. There are generally three times when I write: when I am unhappy, when I am pensive and hoping the results will be good, and when I am learning more about God. When it is the latter, I write in my journal. I consider my walk with God to be an extremely personal thing, and while I do enjoy sharing it with others, I generally won't blog about it to a large extent (as in, an entire blog entry about it) unless I really feel God putting it on my heart to share it online, in my blog. That may happen if I continue to blog more and more, but at this time it just isn't something I feel the need to do. That leaves two other options and truly, the second option is generally quite similar to first. Right now I use this journal as a way to speak my mind (to an extent, of course, if you truly knew what I thought about a few things I've mentioned this blog would have a very different atmosphere to it) and as I am most likely to feel the need to write when I am upset, that is generally what I write about. I do promise you though, my life is extremely blessed by God, and I am well aware of the fact, even in the midst of such turmoil.