Tuesday, August 30, 2011

Pebbles and Boulders Blocking the Way

Everything seems to be on the rocks again.
It's as if my health has started to decline again, or maybe I am just having one of those weeks common to people with chronic syndromes. I just know that the past couple weeks have not been encouraging in regards to how I am supposed to start going to school full time in a mere two weeks. Two weeks. That's it, and I think I am far from ready.

This was a goal, a large goal. To be able to finally take five courses once again come September. I feel like the goal I believed would be reached has been taken away from me quicker than I could imagine. I've now been sick for over 18 months. More than a year and a half. I was so excited to be able to begin my life again, to learn to live with this new sense of "good" health (good in quotation marks because it is still far from the norm), learn to live going and doing the same things as everyone else in spite of my health. Now? Now, I just don't know. I am still having trouble with focusing and understanding school work and concepts that weren't even enough to be on my radar a year and a half ago. I am still getting sick a lot, having many migraines and am having trouble even caring enough to keep going with work because I feel I am just going to fail anyway. I fully realize the implications of having the term "chronic" in an illness. I understand that it is going to be around, and that I will have good days and bad days. The problem is that the bad days still seem to outnumber the good ones, and this makes it very difficult to think about keeping up a normal school schedule, with a full load of coursework - especially when I am to be entering a completely new situation with a new school, new people, and a new educational path. All this does is put even more stress on my situation, and my mental state is not exactly good enough for me to be able to handle it well.

I am so worried about needing to decide to defer 'til January, or maybe taking only one or two courses. I am so tired of sitting at home all the time and seeing only the boyfriend and my immediate family for months at a time. I am extremely grateful for my family and my boyfriend, but I do feel like this illness has taken away every friend I have had because I don't ever see anyone, and their lives are to busy to concern themselves with me (which, in fact, I completely understand - my life is a downer, of this I am fully aware, and I can't often go out for long). I was so excited to be able to actually go places for once. I wasn't planning on trying to get an actual social life again, I understand that could be extremely problematic for my health. It was, however, nice to think that I would again have the option to go visit a friend once in a while instead of sitting at home and hoping that someone, anyone will want to visit me. But no, it is starting to appear that I will once again be stuck at home, maybe doing a bit of coursework, and hoping someone will talk to me. I am extremely excited for this, I am sure you can tell. =]

I am not sure why this is happening again, why all my goals seem unmet. I can only hope and pray that it will be revealed to me relatively soon, and that I will truly be able to start living once again.

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